Wednesday, August 31, 2011

S.M.I.L.E.//L.9: The Poops They Are A-Changing...

I planned this "lesson" before the experience of yesterday's post but enjoy the word play nonetheless. Either way, if you can't find ways to laugh about poop then your life just stinks. Haha. Toilet humor and puns, I can't blame my bad taste on motherhood. I watched Louis C.K. on The Daily Show and he said, "You don't have to be smart to laugh at fart jokes, but you have to be stupid not to." However, I will tell you what is NOT A JOKE....


Mamas who formula feed this will not come as such a shock for you, but breastfeeding mamas...let me tell you BRACE YOURSELF!! In Lesson 4 I address that breast milk excrement becomes almost pleasant to the olfactory system. I will go so far as to admit, breastfeeders become TOTALLY spoiled for so many reasons and for someone like me who has a stunted sense of smell to begin with, I have appreciated the mild aftermath Addison has left for me in her diapers. And then...I knew it would happen because all of the sadistic parents who have come before me have loved to chuckle over the solid poop phenomenon. Let me spare you the complete sensory experience and exclaim that I now understand why people buy diaper genies. The odor of those diapers can melt a plastic trash receptacle and disintegrate nose hairs within room's distance. 

Rather than using actual photos (the concept of poop=funny; actual poop=NOT funny) I will use puppies to deliver my message:


My dad always says, 'Even in a room of perfume, you can smell an ounce of 'sh**'.
I think this sums up what you can't disguise.

What makes matters worse is that as you introduce new foods you secretly pray your baby will go twosies so that you don't have to deal with the anguish of constipation...and believe me you will want to kick yourself for those wishes when you see what is in store for you. Perhaps you may want to buy some gloves, keep some tongs next to your changing area, and maybe keep some holy water nearby. So far I have had to change Addison's outfits quite a few times, NOT because she leaked but because the stench was so potent it poisoned her little pants.

Feel free to share poopy horrors or ridiculous metaphors.

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