Todaycare: Transitioning into Working Mother

The transition period has come upon us and you know what...not a tear (by me) shed though they certainly welled up a bit. To my surprise the last two days have been pretty amazing in that awe inspiring life is changing and we are facing it tall kind of way. Yesterday I struggled to wake up as early as I would have liked, but we got to the daycare center (which was at an alternate though closer location) slightly before 8am (my goal is 7:30am...we will see how that goes). Once we entered we were met by Addy's new teacher Karen who acclimated us to the environment (although temporary) and chatted me up for hours. She let me ask every question imaginable, made me feel completely at home, and talked shop about what I deem 'professional parenting'. There are sadly people who do not fall into this category, and working mom or not, to me, my real full-time always-on-call job is MOTHER.

Day One: Addison decided to try to mimic the other babies.

While at the center I got to meet tons of staff, participate in feeding time, nurse Addison in a rocker (which I don't have at home), hang out with everyone during yard time (while Addison shockingly napped), watch Addy interact with new babies, and talk away with all of the ladies who will be part of our extended family. The entire day felt like one huge hug. One of the highlights of the experience for me was when I got to talking with the educational director Jane and I learned that I taught her son last year. Not only that, but instantly I recalled him because he was one of my stars, a real gem of a teen. As I was leaving she told me, "You had my baby and now I have yours." I love when life has those beautiful full-circle moments.

On the door of the infant room--Addison existing outside of my world!!

From 12pm-2pm I left Addison and decided to stop by my school to get a feel for coming back and make mental notes about what needs to be done. I am like a kid myself in that I NEED to go back to my job earlier than the start date to literally soak up the aura and acclimate myself to going back. I feel a recharge from the energy and depending on the 'air' of the building I can have a sense for the type of year that lay ahead. My feelings for this year= AWESOME. Shocked? I am too. Not only do I have a well balanced program I am in my own room (as in the same as last year AND no one else is teaching in it) AND...DRUM ROLL please: I have a smartboard in my room. I felt jilted for the past few years as I, a tech-savvy chicka, had not been put in rooms with smartboards and was forced to schlep equipment all over or not use any at all. All of these factors are SERIOUSLY heaven for a teacher....I could wax on and on but the key point-- I will be able to be more present for my daughter and I am SO THANKFUL. AND, honestly I felt invigorated and inspired to work again...which made me, for at least a moment feel like wonder woman.

Warning, quasi-bragging alert! To add to all of the good fortune of the day everyone at the center raved about Addison--even calling her the perfect baby on many occasions. The staff was shocked at how alert and observant Addison can be, how petite yet developed she is, and they kept telling me that she will do everything fast. I kind of knew that and brace myself every day. However, I also know Addison gets extra attention because she is going to be the ONLY girl in her class so all of the ladies were lavishing her with love and praise and ooey-gooey gaga adoration immediately.

Now I definitely don't need to have one at home!

Then came today: phase two. I brought Addison to the regular center and spent close to an hour bringing in all of her things, talking more protocol and routine with the teacher, and helping the baby become acclimated to her new daytime home. I marveled over all of the things with her name on it, watched her interact in a new world, and basically felt like I was having an outer body experience. At points I waned to cry from the gravity of it all, but I felt calm and also antsy to get things done and let Addison adjust. I decided I would leave her for four hours and get as much accomplished at home as I could (as if four hours were twenty). While at home I tried to pump at around the times I will try to at work and got a lot less done than I wanted (not surprised) but enough that I didn't get too down on myself. I managed to pump a good amount and was happy that when I went to pick her up she had not drank the second back up bottle I had left (which felt like I had just gotten the lead in a race). BUT, what was not so great was hearing Addison SCREAMING when I go there. My tiny pterodactyl showed her other side. Her teacher laughed and said I was right to call my daughter vocal. It turns out that she cried for a good portion of the time I was gone though there were some bright moments too. My gut reaction was to feel AWFUL, especially because I left with such ease since she was having  a great time and didn't notice me. I was red-faced with guilt, shame, anxiety...you-name-it...but I also knew that this was all part of the process. The teachers reassured me and caught me up about her day. It literally killed a piece of me to see Addison's eyes so puffy from tears...but I let her be rocked by one of her teachers and I offered only comfort not total solace as usual. I realized that my girl, who is naturally so independent needs to learn to feel secure somewhere other than in her mama's arms. I thwarted any feelings of resentment and stayed positive since we really have no other choice. I must go back to work and this daycare is not only highly coveted but also right behind my school (granted there is a football field sized parking lot in between BUT seriously I couldn't have found something more convenient).

Plays well with others...

After what felt like an eternity I took Addison and nursed her there. Ms. Karen made it clear that they want us to feel like we are all family and to take comfort in the space. So, as much as I wanted to run home crying and then cuddle my baby we both relaxed ourselves (as much as we could with the cacophony of crying babies) and during that time my mind went to so many places. I felt very sad and disillusioned during some rocks but also hopeful and happy that my daughter would learn so much more than I can teach her alone. Another life conundrum.

Independence.

After Addy was fed and happy again I realized she was back to herself and so I followed suit. The rest of the evening was productive (of course not as much as I wanted it to be) but it was full of continued routines, optimism, love, and lots of baby laughs. I surprised Addison with a new addition to our living room--a much larger matted surface area for her to play on--AND a visit from one of her four sets of grandparents. She was so happy and even took steps while I was holding her up!! Leave it to this little one to snap me back to the reality that life moves so fast and if you focus on the joys of the present moment or the fact that painful experiences can also be fleeting then life can be so very beautiful.

Addy's surprise upon returning!

Happy baby with a smile that lights up room, takes breaths away, and cures
almost any ailment I can think of.

S.M.I.L.E.//L.9: The Poops They Are A-Changing...

I planned this "lesson" before the experience of yesterday's post but enjoy the word play nonetheless. Either way, if you can't find ways to laugh about poop then your life just stinks. Haha. Toilet humor and puns, I can't blame my bad taste on motherhood. I watched Louis C.K. on The Daily Show and he said, "You don't have to be smart to laugh at fart jokes, but you have to be stupid not to." However, I will tell you what is NOT A JOKE....

SOLID FOOD POOP!!!

THE HORROR!!!

Mamas who formula feed this will not come as such a shock for you, but breastfeeding mamas...let me tell you BRACE YOURSELF!! In Lesson 4 I address that breast milk excrement becomes almost pleasant to the olfactory system. I will go so far as to admit, breastfeeders become TOTALLY spoiled for so many reasons and for someone like me who has a stunted sense of smell to begin with, I have appreciated the mild aftermath Addison has left for me in her diapers. And then...I knew it would happen because all of the sadistic parents who have come before me have loved to chuckle over the solid poop phenomenon. Let me spare you the complete sensory experience and exclaim that I now understand why people buy diaper genies. The odor of those diapers can melt a plastic trash receptacle and disintegrate nose hairs within room's distance. 

Rather than using actual photos (the concept of poop=funny; actual poop=NOT funny) I will use puppies to deliver my message:

BREAST MILK "POOPY"

SOLD FOOD "POOPY"

My dad always says, 'Even in a room of perfume, you can smell an ounce of 'sh**'.
I think this sums up what you can't disguise.

What makes matters worse is that as you introduce new foods you secretly pray your baby will go twosies so that you don't have to deal with the anguish of constipation...and believe me you will want to kick yourself for those wishes when you see what is in store for you. Perhaps you may want to buy some gloves, keep some tongs next to your changing area, and maybe keep some holy water nearby. So far I have had to change Addison's outfits quite a few times, NOT because she leaked but because the stench was so potent it poisoned her little pants.

Feel free to share poopy horrors or ridiculous metaphors.

The Changed Times

Another Proustian moment today involving tears that cannot be blamed on hormones....unless Bob Dylan causes the release of chemicals I am unaware of. It's amazing how the combination of the just-right-NOW song and some other random trigger can transport me into a series of epiphanies. (Ahem facebook flashbook updates!!) On this day in 2009 I was going to Philly to see Explosions in the Sky and The Flaming Lips and one year ago I was coming out of my depression and for the first time EVER I was thrilled to go back to school/work for the distractions and reminders of the woman I once was. Combine these two 'status updates' with Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changing" randomly playing on my iTunes and cue eyes welling up and the need to hold Addison tight to me and sway in a bittersweet dance marking the end of the life as we've known it. My time as a SAHM (Stay At Home Mama) is closing.

Today would have been the first transition day into daycare but residual effects of Irene have left the building without power....and thus, one.more.day. I will say that I am relieved because I COULDN'T sleep for the life of me last night. I tossed and turned and my mind raced...mostly through places of anxiety and around dark corners that shouldn't be visited, even in the daytime. I find myself obsessing before bed, thinking about things I can't change or do anything about in the middle of the night. I focused on breathing, tried to channel peaceful deities, tried to fantasize, cuddled with my baby, and sleep eventually found me, but only the kind that allows you a semi-slumber in preparation for awake time. I dreaded that 6am alarm, even more than the 545am teaser alarm. Around 630am I got the call from Addison's teacher and I was mixed with both unease and overabundant joy. My anxieties and what-ifs returned but the graciousness to get some sleep and cuddle up for a little bit more trumped those other jitterbugs. 

Despite the extra two+ hours of down time I cannot escape the fact that my 'dream' world is coming to an end. There has been nothing more I have ever wanted out of my life other than to have a family, primarily one in which I could be the homemaker for the early years of child rearing. This dream is preparing for its hiatus and as much as I am accepting the fate I've been given, I feel tearing at my heart strings. With new chapters come so many mixed emotions. I will admit that going back to work offers some excitement for me. As much as my job batters me at times, I also feel a huge self-esteem boost from accomplishing things (and anyone who knows me intimately knows I could use that). The work year also forces me on a schedule that albeit forces the inner bohemian in me to be replaced by a type A version of myself, also allows me to commit to many better-for-me-overall habits. I desperately want to be one of those women who has it all together--healthy eating habits, spiritual time, clean home, crafting/decorating, strong relationships, pristine looks, fulfilling jobs, all that jazz....maybe this will be the year? HAhaHA. crack fizzle pop. Moms, how DO YOU DO IT???? Do you sleep ever? What are your secrets? How can I shield myself from hiding in a stall and crying on my first day back???

   How do you/did you handle full-time jobs and full-time families? What suffers the most??

HELP or I will continue to listen to non-stop folk-singers until I choke on tears or hitchhike outta town. 

Addison's Five Favorites: Newborn+ Edition

Shopping for toys is overwhelming for me, especially when babies are at an age in which they barely understand play. Addison is starting to love playing and discovering, but before her real awakening, she had some favorites as a newborn.

ADDISON'S NEWBORN

TOP FIVE

Skwish Classic

I love this toy so so much and forgot who bought it for us. Besides the eye-catching geometric shape and bold colors, this Skwish is made of wood and the pieces are all attached with soft elastic cord that makes the tetrahedron bendable. Some of the larger wooden balls slide which makes a delightful sound while being rattled about. I just remember Addison being so fascinated with this contraption and I felt very safe with her playing with it because of the wood, lack of sharp edges, pliability, and overall design.

Bright Starts: Pretty in Pink Way to Play Bundle Gift Set

Another gift that keeps on giving. Addison seems to love all things elephant and this one is fun because it makes a shaker sound and has chewable hands and feet that make for a fun dance routine. The rattle has a reflective inner surface and beads inside that give them a a soft maracas sound. Then there are the two teethers and keys that Addison has only recently shown interest in.

Bright Starts: Pretty in Pink Bloom and Rattle

This was Addison's first favorite toy. I love the face on this cutie and Addison loved the soft rattling sound, the grab-ability, the crinkly leaves, and the bold colors. 

Infantino Twist'n'Fold Activity Gym

(Vintage Boy)

 I chose the 'boy' pattern because it is WAY cooler than the girls' and seems rather gender neutral to me. This activity mat has a fun bohemian feel with the mixture of patterns and earth tones. I love how kitschy the animals are and how easy this is to store. The bars are soft and pliable. The giraffe plays twinkle twinkle. The only warnings---the pillow is very slippery and is NOT meant to be used under a baby's head (yes I learned this the hard way) and the mirror is more of the circus variety and may scare your baby (also learned the hard way).

Tummy Time Soft Books

The one we were given  is called "I See Shapes" and even though there are tons of these types of books it seems that this company is impossible to find. Addison LOVED her book so much and it definitely helped her with her tummy time since she had something to look at. This book also stood up on its own and gave Addison ample entertainment when sitting up or laying down. She loved to manipulate its accordion shape, gnaw at the edges, and squeal over the colors. I was amazed at how long she could stare at the same things for so long, but luckily the book is two-sided so I could 'change-up' the story line here and there.  

Honorable Mentions

(though I love these even more than Addison does):

Jacques the Peacock

Eric Carle Butterfly Toy

Aren't these so beautiful? I love all of the colors, the crinkly sounds, and all of the little bits to play with...Addison is so so about these. Some days she loves them, some days she could care less. Now that she is older she is moving away from some of these toys and on to new things. Soon we will do a 6month+ toylist.

What are some toys that your newborn responded to?

My Five Essentials: Newborn+ Edition

I would love to be a minimalist, but the truth is I do like to have some stuff...not a lot, but the things I love I REALLY love or tend to be super thankful I had those things. When it comes to babies and children in general, I am a believer in less is more (though I don't want Addison to feel like she is 'without', but she did have more fun with a large plastic cup the other night than with anything else I've seen to date). I digress...Here is a list of some of mine and Addison's favorites (particularly those things that were the best during her newborn days).

THE TOP FIVE

The Boppy

Of the two covers I have this is my favorite!

This is hands down my favorite item in the land of baby care. The boppy is perfect or nursing, propping a baby for naps/tummy time/sitting up, cuddling, mama backaches, the cases are easy to remove/put on AND the pillow is also washable. One of the only things I would say is a MUST have.

Swaddle Me Sleep Sack

Baby burrito!!

I received four of these (the one pictured included) as shower gifts and I have to say these were SUCH a lifesaver. Too often Addison managed to unravel herself from her blankets no matter how tight we wrapped her...heck, she eventually figured a way out of these! Granted you may feel like you are putting your baby in a straight jacket, but Addison was snug, warm, and slept much better in the sack.

Wipes/Diapers Case and Changing Pad

JJ Cole Collections: "Cocoa Tree"
I have the changing pad pictured but not this particular case
(although it is lovely!)

These may seem like 'luxury' items but I found that I really didn't need to lug a whole diaper bag around as much as I needed my essentials--wipes (for all things messy), diapers, and a clean surface. I was always able to fit the latter in my larger-than-life purse (it beats having two bags) and have relied upon that changing pad in every imagined circumstance. I have also used the pad to lay Addison on while hanging out--remember, this is the newborn edition--as in this was perfect for a baby who just lays there.

Sound Sleeper

The one pictured is the Dex Baby Sound Sleeper.
I was given this based on my friend Laura's experience with her own baby.
Addison loves the sounds of the ocean waves the most. 

The sound sleeper helped me as much as it helped the baby. This little machine has an array of soothing sounds to emit some white noise in order to lull your newborn to sleep.  I like that this machine has a function that has a half-hour timer so that you can fall asleep!

Travel System Stroller

The one I have here is the Chicco Cortina Discovery.

 Having a travel system makes life easier and also gives you more bang for your buck. If you drive you need a car seat (heck, they won't let you leave the hospital without one) and the beauties of this bucket car seat is that it comes with a newborn insert and head rest, it serves as a rocker (perfect for napping and letting baby hang out and watch you while you are trying to do...other things)/ The seat also clicks right into the stroller so it is easy to transfer the baby. I chose this system because in the upright position this stroller can last you for years. The main stroller is super easy to open and close (all with one handle), has an adjustable handlebar, bottom storage, multiple cup holders, and it is the lightest of its kind. 


The wheels can get awkward at times (I am a bit of a stroller spaz) and with the seat in the full recline it is hard to access the storage basket...BUT I have managed to do a ton of food shopping/errand run using the stroller, the two canopies are perfect for protecting baby from the elements, and seriously, when there aren't any changing tables in sight (which there rarely are) then using your stroller in the total recline position is great!

All of the above are just my personal favorites! 

What has been something you are happy you had for your baby?

Come On Irene: Staten Island vs Mother Nature

This past week our wacky island vortex felt the aftershock of an earthquake (which I was completely unaware of by experience since I was driving) and as if the out of balance air of our urban sprawl wasn't panicked enough--whispers of hurricane Irene turned into a cacophony of "WTF's "as hysteria started to spiral. New York is used to experiencing all of the seasons, but natural disasters is not our bag baby. As for Staten Island, there is a certain ''je ne sais quoi" atmosphere that starkly separates us from the rest of the city. Perhaps it is a suburban mindset, but my hunch is that being an 'islander' does something to one's brain that seems to detach it from the rest of the continent. Granted, we are not prepared for these types of potential dangers, but what I fear most in times like these is not the force of mother nature, but the idiocy of mother----s who may put the lives of others in danger out of sheer fear of doom.

For the first time in known history New York City has decided to over-prepare. There are mass evacuations, public transportation as we know it is SHUT DOWN, businesses have been closed and boarded up, one cannot find D or A batteries in the tri-state area, and GASP the Verazzano bridge has halted tolls!! I found myself getting scared last night as a group of us started to build off each other's nerves and become unsettled over the litany of hearsay we were being told. We wondered, do we leave? Do we rush out to get more 'stuff', do we gather others? Normally I am pretty calm and optimistic--but as I looked at Addison playing I felt the world spin. Everything matters more now. Every decision has two lives at stake. As I scanned my phone for everyone I was worried about, wondering who I could help, what I could offer I realized--it's really just me and her. And that is plenty.

Waiting for Irene

I'm not going to lie, I am concerned--particularly for my loved ones and the many people around here who are less fortunate than me (I live far enough inland and high enough up not to be too concerned, plus the shelter is the school I work at which is less than a ten minute drive.) There are many low lying coastal neighborhoods that are surrounded by marshes and let's not forget the poor animals at the zoo, the hospitals, the senior homes. That sense of anxiety and displacement scares me more than rain and heavy winds. The unexpected is expected of the elements, it's with people that I get really antsy.

She loves to hide her lower lip! 

I wonder if I am too calm about this all--my anxiety levels can't break away from the zillions of things I want to get done as our last weekend of our old life comes to a close. I pray these natural oddities aren't omens of the year to come. Perhaps I am extra-calm to counteract the hysteria that wants to burst out--the combination of fears and frustrations that are looming around like the humidity--but now there is a child I need to believe for. We have food, we have water, we have flashlights and candles, we have pots filled with water just in case, our outside furniture is now in, the windows are locked...now we enjoy each other and relax. Is there more we can do?

For more information here are some sites that I have been keeping up with:

Office of Emergency Management (New York)

NY Times Zone Map (Hurricane Tracking)

Detailed New York Evacuation Zones Map

Preparing for a Hurricane 

(Boy do I need to prepare more though right now I honestly think we are fine.)

Flashback Friday: Wolf Mother

oops this published on a Thursday. hahah.  

  I really love how some bloggers like my friends Nicole and Jordan not only love to share, but also play with regular features (I love Jordan's calendar at the bottom of her blog and all of the projects Nicole takes on). In the spirit of telling a story I want to tell (albeit in random chunks since it's hard to ever know when a story starts) I am going to tell you all about a special friend of mine who guided me through many a dark and lonely night. My authentic Navaho wolf fetish sent to me by my deeply special Uncle Gary and Aunt Barbara who have been living in New Mexico for about a year now. 

Fetish: an object having a magical potency

7/31/10: Though the artist who carved it is Navaho,
the tradition is usually associated as Zuni in origin.
A fetish is an embodiment of spirit which carries with it characteristics
 of the animal from which one can draw strength.

    My pregnancy was really mild in physical symptoms and I think being pregnant suited me quite well, but I did not suit it. I found myself going through a lot of psychological tailspins, particularly because upon learning I was pregnant I quit smoking cigarettes, weaned myself off of five+ years of prescribed anti-depressants, worked six days a week while finishing three Independent Studies in order to finish my master's degree in Literature and well...other things that made the experience rather dark at times. Those 'other things' were circumstances that drove me to some of the most difficult bouts of depression and nightmares I had ever experienced. Luckily I had a lot of sages and support from other areas in life. This beautiful fetish was sent to me with a letter describing it's meaning and power. I received a quiet strength from this talisman and had it with me the day I gave birth to Addison. I clearly remember that energy emanating around me in the female community that stood before me as my baby girl was born. Here are the equally magical words that my uncle sent: 

The wolf is the pathfinder. It tends to point your way forward in the form of a flash of insight, the integration of which may be some time in the making and may require much work, but which is clarifying in nature. Wolves make loving parents, spending many months educating their young in the ways of the world. Therefore the wolf is considered the embodiment of the spirit of learning; of receiving and teaching truth. They are also known to be excellent mediators in family matters. They are highly intelligent and possessed of extraordinary problem solving skill, yet they are also playful in nature and sociable. The stone from which this wolf is made, augite, is considered to be a stone of healing...

When one is filled with self-doubt, hold the wolf in your hand and clear your mind. Focus on its ability to spontaneously express its inner truths and await its insights to flash upon you. You will be guided through the jungles of self-made untruths that block your path.

When you doubt the path you're on, envision the wold standing before you on that path. Let it stand there for a time as it assesses the way forward, then ask it how ou got off course and how to get back on it. Await the insight of its answer.

You may or may not believe in its magic, but we believe it to be, at minimum a helpful meditative tool with which to assess the way forward. We hope you see it as an embodiment of who you are and where you wish to go on your future journeys.

    I cried when I first read this and continue to tear up with each subsequent read. After learning all of this I started to feel a spiritual connection to the wold, and later found some more confidence and laughs from this:

Courage Wolf says, "When I find myself in times of trouble
I f*@# s*^t up!"

  RAWR! xoxo

Nurse Out Loud: Celebrating Breastfeeders

One of the highlights of my month was participating in a last minute local celebration of The Big Latch On  for World Breastfeeding Week. It was a small gathering organized by my dear friends of Birth Right Now yet it was inspiring to know that we were all part of an international moment--  a larger collective community. Every woman there had such stories and insights--I feel lucky to have met each one of them and in the short time that we sat and chatted I learned a lot. Mostly, I came away with a feeling that there was even more support out there than there was when I woke up that morning. 

A beautiful group of mamas and babes! 8/6/11

I am a firm believer in breastfeeding though I know how hard it can be for some women. Thus I love to celebrate those who make it work. I remember how much I struggled at first, how much my baby seemed to feed forever, how alienated I felt, how many factors there were riding against me and how little I trusted my own body. I will save my soapbox and use this post to celebrate why it is important to be open and honest about breastfeeding in order to re-normalize the act, and to build up the women who make the commitment. Although I tend to cover up when I nurse in public (which is something I understand the BF community often sees as a point of contention) I have learned now to do what I do for me and not so much for other people who may be 'disturbed'.

Soooo...What I really want to share is THIS ARTICLE FROM "The Babe and the Breast" outlining why more women need to SEE other women nursing.

The next thing I want to share is from "Kind Over Matter"-- a truly inspirational site for all creatives that I have been marveling over for years now! (My other blog was once thanked on there which gave me so much glee!) In KOM's extensive freebie section you can find these thoughtful thank you cards:

You can download them here.

Believe me, breast feeders need a lot of support and celebration in the present cultural climate (thus the need for a term like lactivist--I mean, really?) Here's to all of the BF mamas who have come before me, and those to come! 

The Gift of a Year's Past

I didn't start this blog with the intention of it being 'the diary of a single-mom' kind of space...but I all too often blur lines, sometimes I do roundhouse kicks right over them with nary a thought about the mess. Today wasn't a hard day, but there was an emotional upheaval that may or may not have been set off by a feature I just paid attention to on facebook: "On This Day In 2010" which shows one's status update from the year prior. Mine?

One year ago today this is what I had to share with the facebook world. This is what summed up the place I was in my life. 

My authentic Navajo wolf fetish. There will be explaining at some point.

Cue Proustian moment and then a day woven with deep, sometimes painful, but ultimately triumphant self-reflection. The truth is today felt hard for me, like the culmination of so many things decided to distribute all of its weight on my shoulders at once for no particular reason.  I couldn't wait to let out a few tears this afternoon while Addison was with her father (weekly Addy-Daddy time) so I could have space in my heart to focus on marveling over my daughter again.

August 2010

I don't want to feel like life is hard, even though I know it is for so many of us. There are times I pine for another set of hands, a comforting voice, a comrade of sorts and then I snap back into my most common reality and that is a place that is worlds away from where I was a year ago. Last August in particular was the worst time of my life. Ever. One could argue that I have experienced way more horrible events, but my heart-mind-soul was in the worst place it has been (and if I have any power at all in my life, ever will be). I was fifteen weeks pregnant, working in Brooklyn and Staten Island for the month, and my hormones were tantamount to the humidity that plagues New York summers. The reality of being a single mother and being pregnant without a partner was my worst nightmare (yes, there are more horrible things that could happen to a person, but for me, this was hands down the one thing other than being attacked by cockroaches or ventriloquist dummies I feared the most). The feelings of sadness, shame and loneliness I had (real or imagined) make me shudder to consider. 

15 week sonogram

Now, I don't like to rush life, so I never said to myself, 'I can't wait until next year so I can look back at this time and laugh'. Honestly, I'm not laughing and I may never...but, I am FAR from that place of sadness. Even on hard days, I may not be filled to the brim with happiness, but I am thankful, and I am joyful, and I am simultaneously proud, amazed, and floored by all that has come from a year. 

I would like to believe I am much more successful at facing adversity, far wiser, a lot less alone (I am pretty much never alone), back to a truer version of myself and ever so much more grateful that last year is over. 

8/10/11 @ Children's Museum.  Photo by Unique.

Thank you facebook for an unwarranted albeit profound trip through a year of emotions and growth.

Mamahood:Through the Looking Glass

For me, the early days of motherhood felt a lot like I was little Alice Lindell waking up in a magical world full of oddities, games of logic, and self-discovery. Well, first it was like the falling through the tunnel with little end in sight. The newborn phase was overwhelming because it was the most uncharted and elusive aspect of motherhood. There was no way to really judge what was to come. However, the hardest part was looking at myself in the mirror. So much of the experience has been about rediscovering who I am now that I am 1+1, but also adapting to myself as a mother who is still the Jenn I was before-- which means the person with the same idiosyncrasies and issues.

I ask this question of myself and Addison all of the time.
(source)

Now, I have often used this quote as my own mantra in life, but it is the most fitting MOMtra I can think of: "It is very simple," she thought. "You get up, you go, you do, you see, you put one foot in front of the other and along the way you do your very best to enjoy it." (I have always attributed this to Carroll's text but I believe I have been misled--If anyone knows where this is originally from PLEASE let me know.)

This quote exemplifies how I live in the day-to-day, even when my best seems less than the standard I set for myself. If it's what I've got in that twenty-four hours, I eke it out. Robotic? Sometimes. 


Really this is just to say that no matter what happens in life, every day is a new start and needs to be lived the best way you can--for the moment. For each new start, I, like Alice, come equipped with my manners, my smile, and the curious nature that translates into the never-ending quest to learn and improve. 

While perusing lines from "...Through the Looking Glass" I found the MOST fitting for the way I felt after the initial hormones and exhaustion of new mamahood wore off and I looked inside a bit:

First Foods Faces

While I am restoring my energy from a weekend full of fun, inspiration, and also family emergencies and intense thunderstorms I will focus on something simple love that I love: Addison's food faces! Each one is unique and awesomely quirky. This kid endlessly cracks me up.

Sweet Potatoes (The first food)

Peas (The favorite so far)

Applesauce (Bitterness!)

Carrots (the pits for Addy)

Rice Cereal (surprisingly, she enjoyed it right away!)

 Sigh. This baby is yummy. I won't eat her....well, I won't swallow her up.

Oh, and I caved and bought the rice cereal based on persuasion from the pediatrician. When I was a kid I had bouts of anemia, mostly from lack of attention to a balanced diet so I fear iron deficiency. I considered using this recipe but instead went with Earth's Best. Much to my surprise she gobbled it up happily! Maybe this can postpone my decision to give her any meat substances before she is able to ask for it. Hmm....the lofty goals of new parents....

Holding On To The Little Things Feature

The thoughtful and talented Jordan Marie of Holding on to the Little Things featured Mama Button as one of her favorite single mom blogs! In the spirit of her blog I am holding on to this moment as one of the key highlights of my day.

To add to this honor I was listed under one of my favorite blogs. Check out the post and reap in my glory! And seriously, hang around Holding on to the Little Things and fall in love.

xoxo