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Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Gift of a Year's Past


I didn't start this blog with the intention of it being 'the diary of a single-mom' kind of space...but I all too often blur lines, sometimes I do roundhouse kicks right over them with nary a thought about the mess. Today wasn't a hard day, but there was an emotional upheaval that may or may not have been set off by a feature I just paid attention to on facebook: "On This Day In 2010" which shows one's status update from the year prior. Mine?


One year ago today this is what I had to share with the facebook world. This is what summed up the place I was in my life. 

My authentic Navajo wolf fetish. There will be explaining at some point.
Cue Proustian moment and then a day woven with deep, sometimes painful, but ultimately triumphant self-reflection. The truth is today felt hard for me, like the culmination of so many things decided to distribute all of its weight on my shoulders at once for no particular reason.  I couldn't wait to let out a few tears this afternoon while Addison was with her father (weekly Addy-Daddy time) so I could have space in my heart to focus on marveling over my daughter again.

August 2010
I don't want to feel like life is hard, even though I know it is for so many of us. There are times I pine for another set of hands, a comforting voice, a comrade of sorts and then I snap back into my most common reality and that is a place that is worlds away from where I was a year ago. Last August in particular was the worst time of my life. Ever. One could argue that I have experienced way more horrible events, but my heart-mind-soul was in the worst place it has been (and if I have any power at all in my life, ever will be). I was fifteen weeks pregnant, working in Brooklyn and Staten Island for the month, and my hormones were tantamount to the humidity that plagues New York summers. The reality of being a single mother and being pregnant without a partner was my worst nightmare (yes, there are more horrible things that could happen to a person, but for me, this was hands down the one thing other than being attacked by cockroaches or ventriloquist dummies I feared the most). The feelings of sadness, shame and loneliness I had (real or imagined) make me shudder to consider. 

15 week sonogram
Now, I don't like to rush life, so I never said to myself, 'I can't wait until next year so I can look back at this time and laugh'. Honestly, I'm not laughing and I may never...but, I am FAR from that place of sadness. Even on hard days, I may not be filled to the brim with happiness, but I am thankful, and I am joyful, and I am simultaneously proud, amazed, and floored by all that has come from a year. 

I would like to believe I am much more successful at facing adversity, far wiser, a lot less alone (I am pretty much never alone), back to a truer version of myself and ever so much more grateful that last year is over. 

8/10/11 @ Children's Museum.  Photo by Unique.
Thank you facebook for an unwarranted albeit profound trip through a year of emotions and growth.

2 comments:

  1. pretty mama.. pretty baby.
    i'm glad you're here in this blogasphere!

    <3xojo

    ReplyDelete