Monday, August 29, 2011

The Changed Times

Another Proustian moment today involving tears that cannot be blamed on hormones....unless Bob Dylan causes the release of chemicals I am unaware of. It's amazing how the combination of the just-right-NOW song and some other random trigger can transport me into a series of epiphanies. (Ahem facebook flashbook updates!!) On this day in 2009 I was going to Philly to see Explosions in the Sky and The Flaming Lips and one year ago I was coming out of my depression and for the first time EVER I was thrilled to go back to school/work for the distractions and reminders of the woman I once was. Combine these two 'status updates' with Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changing" randomly playing on my iTunes and cue eyes welling up and the need to hold Addison tight to me and sway in a bittersweet dance marking the end of the life as we've known it. My time as a SAHM (Stay At Home Mama) is closing.

Today would have been the first transition day into daycare but residual effects of Irene have left the building without power....and thus, one.more.day. I will say that I am relieved because I COULDN'T sleep for the life of me last night. I tossed and turned and my mind raced...mostly through places of anxiety and around dark corners that shouldn't be visited, even in the daytime. I find myself obsessing before bed, thinking about things I can't change or do anything about in the middle of the night. I focused on breathing, tried to channel peaceful deities, tried to fantasize, cuddled with my baby, and sleep eventually found me, but only the kind that allows you a semi-slumber in preparation for awake time. I dreaded that 6am alarm, even more than the 545am teaser alarm. Around 630am I got the call from Addison's teacher and I was mixed with both unease and overabundant joy. My anxieties and what-ifs returned but the graciousness to get some sleep and cuddle up for a little bit more trumped those other jitterbugs. 

Despite the extra two+ hours of down time I cannot escape the fact that my 'dream' world is coming to an end. There has been nothing more I have ever wanted out of my life other than to have a family, primarily one in which I could be the homemaker for the early years of child rearing. This dream is preparing for its hiatus and as much as I am accepting the fate I've been given, I feel tearing at my heart strings. With new chapters come so many mixed emotions. I will admit that going back to work offers some excitement for me. As much as my job batters me at times, I also feel a huge self-esteem boost from accomplishing things (and anyone who knows me intimately knows I could use that). The work year also forces me on a schedule that albeit forces the inner bohemian in me to be replaced by a type A version of myself, also allows me to commit to many better-for-me-overall habits. I desperately want to be one of those women who has it all together--healthy eating habits, spiritual time, clean home, crafting/decorating, strong relationships, pristine looks, fulfilling jobs, all that jazz....maybe this will be the year? HAhaHA. crack fizzle pop. Moms, how DO YOU DO IT???? Do you sleep ever? What are your secrets? How can I shield myself from hiding in a stall and crying on my first day back???

   How do you/did you handle full-time jobs and full-time families? What suffers the most??

HELP or I will continue to listen to non-stop folk-singers until I choke on tears or hitchhike outta town. 


  1. My daughter is struggling with the same problems. I feel for you. I've taken a year off to take care of my granddaughter, but I too will eventually have to go back to work and my granddaughter will need to go to day care.

  2. Hi Ann! It really is so sad that the option to stay home is so hard to come by. I know a few people who make it work, even a single mother who did it years ago so I haven't given up hope...good luck to you ladies! xoxo