Flashback Friday: Wolf Mother

oops this published on a Thursday. hahah.  

  I really love how some bloggers like my friends Nicole and Jordan not only love to share, but also play with regular features (I love Jordan's calendar at the bottom of her blog and all of the projects Nicole takes on). In the spirit of telling a story I want to tell (albeit in random chunks since it's hard to ever know when a story starts) I am going to tell you all about a special friend of mine who guided me through many a dark and lonely night. My authentic Navaho wolf fetish sent to me by my deeply special Uncle Gary and Aunt Barbara who have been living in New Mexico for about a year now. 

Fetish: an object having a magical potency

7/31/10: Though the artist who carved it is Navaho,
the tradition is usually associated as Zuni in origin.
A fetish is an embodiment of spirit which carries with it characteristics
 of the animal from which one can draw strength.

    My pregnancy was really mild in physical symptoms and I think being pregnant suited me quite well, but I did not suit it. I found myself going through a lot of psychological tailspins, particularly because upon learning I was pregnant I quit smoking cigarettes, weaned myself off of five+ years of prescribed anti-depressants, worked six days a week while finishing three Independent Studies in order to finish my master's degree in Literature and well...other things that made the experience rather dark at times. Those 'other things' were circumstances that drove me to some of the most difficult bouts of depression and nightmares I had ever experienced. Luckily I had a lot of sages and support from other areas in life. This beautiful fetish was sent to me with a letter describing it's meaning and power. I received a quiet strength from this talisman and had it with me the day I gave birth to Addison. I clearly remember that energy emanating around me in the female community that stood before me as my baby girl was born. Here are the equally magical words that my uncle sent: 

The wolf is the pathfinder. It tends to point your way forward in the form of a flash of insight, the integration of which may be some time in the making and may require much work, but which is clarifying in nature. Wolves make loving parents, spending many months educating their young in the ways of the world. Therefore the wolf is considered the embodiment of the spirit of learning; of receiving and teaching truth. They are also known to be excellent mediators in family matters. They are highly intelligent and possessed of extraordinary problem solving skill, yet they are also playful in nature and sociable. The stone from which this wolf is made, augite, is considered to be a stone of healing...

When one is filled with self-doubt, hold the wolf in your hand and clear your mind. Focus on its ability to spontaneously express its inner truths and await its insights to flash upon you. You will be guided through the jungles of self-made untruths that block your path.

When you doubt the path you're on, envision the wold standing before you on that path. Let it stand there for a time as it assesses the way forward, then ask it how ou got off course and how to get back on it. Await the insight of its answer.

You may or may not believe in its magic, but we believe it to be, at minimum a helpful meditative tool with which to assess the way forward. We hope you see it as an embodiment of who you are and where you wish to go on your future journeys.

    I cried when I first read this and continue to tear up with each subsequent read. After learning all of this I started to feel a spiritual connection to the wold, and later found some more confidence and laughs from this:

Courage Wolf says, "When I find myself in times of trouble
I f*@# s*^t up!"

  RAWR! xoxo

What a family is...

Is a family ever broken that was never together to begin with?

Addison @ 2 weeks old

When I decided to have Addison I knew that I would essentially be a single mother. I can’t say I fully accepted that fact and thus didn’t (and still don’t) puff up over the pride that some carry with that decision. Single parenting wasn’t a posh ideology for me; it was never part of the plan, but wasn’t enough for me to choose not to be a mother either. I WANTED motherhood, but moreover I wanted FAMILY. A big one. A loving one. I swore I would one day do it ‘RIGHT’—I would return to what I consider the nostalgic focus on the family unit, I would devote my life to being a partner and a ‘professional parent’. It was, and still IS my ultimate dream to have a warm, loving, stable family unit though I never had an example of one in my own life. It wouldn’t be enough to describe my family as a broken one unless we upped that definition to fit the nuances of the word. More appropriately mine was broken, reattached, broken some more, renovated, destroyed, reconstructed…mercurial mayhem and extensions of love.

Addison @ 2/12 months. First ZOO experience!

But what is family really? Is Addison part of a broken family or a piece-meal one? She has a mother, a father, plenty of aunts and uncles, four times the grandparents I had, and a built-in network of friends to grow up with. Yet, like a lot of modern families, there is a lack of unity or perhaps we unite simply for the love of her. Her day to day involves she and I. I spend twenty-four hours a day with her every day and love her more and more each hour. This is not to say it is always ‘easy’, but it IS joyful. It IS what I consider family because the love is constant, pure, undying, and secure. There is laughter, comfort, routine, SECURITY. There isn’t any ego clouding my vision—just the beauty that radiates from the smile of my daughter. To me, that is the definition of family. Not just ‘relations’ of some sort or other.

Addison @ 7 weeks.
 First visit to the Tibetan Museum and making an offering to the Buddha

To be clear, I am devoted to my bloodline as much as I know how to be. However, throughout adolescence all the way to my present near-thirty I have sought out extensions—other committed like-minded creatures to be part of a sangha. Sometimes family ‘obligations’ (I often consider it drama) kept me from developing in the way that I would have liked…but finally I have learned the true nature of family. So rather than going on a ‘woe-is-me-fest’ I will share a piece of liberation. Family is love, support, understanding, commitment. Family is not simply about genetics, marriage, history. Those things are important, but do not embody what it takes to have a successful family. Never let ‘family’ convince you that it’s okay to be abusive in any way because they are your blood. This is part of an ugly cycle and you can break it if you understand that you are being fed an illusion. Do not feel like you are less of a family because society says you are missing parts. I know I need to remind myself of these things quite often, but I am deeply aware that I have more love in my home (which consists of "only" myself and a baby), than was ever even imagined in the house of seven (plus dogs) I grew up in. My family extends to all of those who regularly share love and energy, who bring inspiration, joy, and show they are committed to being loving. 

Thank you to my sangha of people who love and support Addison and I, near and far, blood or not-- I am blessed to know you. Here is to growth and love and experiences to come!

The Joys of Non-Scheduling

I am still new to mamahood and constantly reevaluate every decision I make. Sometimes I feel comfortable about my choices and then randomly freak out, reread everything I can find, send inquiries to other mamas, even panic. At close to five and a half months into this journey and looking back there are some things I am happy I stuck with, believed in, or went with because...I just did. One being, I have not rushed to put my baby on a 'schedule'.

Random vintage clock-radio stock photo. Because I love mid-century modern.

Many people pressured me to put my baby on a strict schedule RIGHT AWAY. Loved ones, strangers, colleagues--all matter-of-fact as if an immovable itinerary would mean the difference between a healthy or sickly child. Thus, I melted down a bit when the reality of life with a newborn set in. Everything. was. perfect.chaos. I use the term perfect as in 'as it should be'. For my baby, a schedule was something loosely interpreted as a pattern that took time for me to recognize--mostly because it didn't really exist at first.

It took friends and my pediatrician's advice to 'allow' me the freedom to choose NOT to train my child to stick to arbitrary hours of the day. In many ways I was blessed with a baby who took to the concept of night time rather quickly, and who ultimately adjusted to my present lifestyle. One of my pediatricians told me that for the first three months it is mama's job to listen to the baby's schedule and needs and that hopefully at some point after that the two of us would strike a balance. My darling friend Unique (one of my mama sages) kept reminding me that Addison did have a schedule, I just had to recognize it as hers and not what I wanted/expected it to be.  I eventually relaxed.

Mind the terrible photo-it's purpose is to show Addison out past most baby's bed time.
6/25/11 Lumen Art&Film Festival

The hidden truth-- I am still conflicted. There is a part of me who is fascinated by people who can schedule well--I get excited over the productivity that can occur in a day when all is planned, I get giddy over cute routines and rituals....but then there is the other part of me, the more natural self that hates schedules, who finds routines mundane, who likes to sleep whenever, go wherever, do whatever--whenever, or not. Two stark extremes. One person. Either way, I've been learning to just go with what feels good and natural. However, as my leave is coming to an end and our lives will be forced into a relatively strict set schedule I longingly hold tight to mine and my babe's effortless symbiosis. Addison naturally likes to go to bed late and thus wake up at what I consider a reasonable hour--just like her mama!! Some of the joys of non-schedules for us have been:

1. My baby and I have struck our own unique balance that works for our present lifestyle.
2. Our routines can be adjusted easily.
3. Addison goes with the flow like her mama and thus this makes it easier for us to freely socialize
4. Her naps are at intervals of the day rather than set times--which means she will nap when she needs to (though napping is still NOT a breeze...it gets better).
5. I've come to understand Addison's schedules and needs as they pertain to mine.
6. Addison follows cues that I set up to indicate night time, quiet time, nap time etc.
7. There is a sense of freedom behind watching her be.
8. There is less overall stress. The days are whatever we make them. That makes me feel more 'free'.

6/24/11 Discovering string lights after some jazz at a local
coffee shop alleyway show. Luckily this is not abnormal NYC parenting.

Really the key is finding what works for you and your circumstances. Find what feels good so that you can enjoy life and mostly enjoy your yummy baby. Watch out for my other half when she writes about the joys of schedules!

S.M.I.L.E.// L.2: Ordinary becomes EXTRAORDINARY

I've always been excited about the 'little' things, whatever often goes unnoticed or under appreciated. Perhaps I am mundane to begin with, but tiny details make me squeal--(though not too loud, I'm easily embarrassed--except when it comes helping out a friend, or anything involving kids.) I love to impart on my students the wisdom of one of my favorite professors Ed Hack: "The most simple is often the most profound." When it comes to babies...get ready for a life of zeal over virtual minutiae.

June 30, 2011. Baby feet are spectacular.

With babies come so many milestones of development and each tiny indicator of growth a reason to call the press to report the magnificence that is your kid. For an outsider the success of being able to acknowledge one's own feet may not seem like much, but to a new parent it is the sunmoonstars. There is something so magical about being able to stop time and be totally present while experiencing the progress a baby makes while on the human voyage. Simple success. Overwhelming joy at watching the beauty of life unfold. Oh so zen.

In the midst of it all you may forget the date, the exact outfit your babe was wearing, whether you showered that day or not...but one thing is for sure, you will remember the magic of the moment. You will be profoundly moved by the tiniest details, ordinary movements that occur with nearly everyone since the beginning of humanity--but nonetheless you will FEEL BIG things because of something so little.

May 18, 2011. Three months and life is looking up.

The first time Addison really lifted her head while on her tummy I applauded, laughed, hoorayed, did all but throw confetti...each subsequent time I felt quite the same. The first time she straight looked me in the eyes and turned from side to side (like an animatronic baby) I cried.

The first real squirms to indicate crawling is around the corner I sang motivational songs, bellowed "Go Addy Go" for the world to hear, recorded her accolades for the proof of her greatness and felt myself blush from excitement.

July 13, 2011. Sitting up record holder: Addison Rose!
You may cheer aloud, it's fun!

For some time I have known that sitting up on her own was rearing quite close as she loves to practice. Then two days ago she was able to stay (while supporting her weight with her arms) for about thirty seconds. The next day: THREE minutes. No big deal right?? WRONG.

Lesson: When you become a parent--you become intoxicated by your child's successes...and the highs from those tiny little feats? Well, I'm still floating.