Flashback Friday: Wolf Mother

oops this published on a Thursday. hahah.  

  I really love how some bloggers like my friends Nicole and Jordan not only love to share, but also play with regular features (I love Jordan's calendar at the bottom of her blog and all of the projects Nicole takes on). In the spirit of telling a story I want to tell (albeit in random chunks since it's hard to ever know when a story starts) I am going to tell you all about a special friend of mine who guided me through many a dark and lonely night. My authentic Navaho wolf fetish sent to me by my deeply special Uncle Gary and Aunt Barbara who have been living in New Mexico for about a year now. 

Fetish: an object having a magical potency

7/31/10: Though the artist who carved it is Navaho,
the tradition is usually associated as Zuni in origin.
A fetish is an embodiment of spirit which carries with it characteristics
 of the animal from which one can draw strength.

    My pregnancy was really mild in physical symptoms and I think being pregnant suited me quite well, but I did not suit it. I found myself going through a lot of psychological tailspins, particularly because upon learning I was pregnant I quit smoking cigarettes, weaned myself off of five+ years of prescribed anti-depressants, worked six days a week while finishing three Independent Studies in order to finish my master's degree in Literature and well...other things that made the experience rather dark at times. Those 'other things' were circumstances that drove me to some of the most difficult bouts of depression and nightmares I had ever experienced. Luckily I had a lot of sages and support from other areas in life. This beautiful fetish was sent to me with a letter describing it's meaning and power. I received a quiet strength from this talisman and had it with me the day I gave birth to Addison. I clearly remember that energy emanating around me in the female community that stood before me as my baby girl was born. Here are the equally magical words that my uncle sent: 

The wolf is the pathfinder. It tends to point your way forward in the form of a flash of insight, the integration of which may be some time in the making and may require much work, but which is clarifying in nature. Wolves make loving parents, spending many months educating their young in the ways of the world. Therefore the wolf is considered the embodiment of the spirit of learning; of receiving and teaching truth. They are also known to be excellent mediators in family matters. They are highly intelligent and possessed of extraordinary problem solving skill, yet they are also playful in nature and sociable. The stone from which this wolf is made, augite, is considered to be a stone of healing...

When one is filled with self-doubt, hold the wolf in your hand and clear your mind. Focus on its ability to spontaneously express its inner truths and await its insights to flash upon you. You will be guided through the jungles of self-made untruths that block your path.

When you doubt the path you're on, envision the wold standing before you on that path. Let it stand there for a time as it assesses the way forward, then ask it how ou got off course and how to get back on it. Await the insight of its answer.

You may or may not believe in its magic, but we believe it to be, at minimum a helpful meditative tool with which to assess the way forward. We hope you see it as an embodiment of who you are and where you wish to go on your future journeys.

    I cried when I first read this and continue to tear up with each subsequent read. After learning all of this I started to feel a spiritual connection to the wold, and later found some more confidence and laughs from this:

Courage Wolf says, "When I find myself in times of trouble
I f*@# s*^t up!"

  RAWR! xoxo

The Gift of a Year's Past

I didn't start this blog with the intention of it being 'the diary of a single-mom' kind of space...but I all too often blur lines, sometimes I do roundhouse kicks right over them with nary a thought about the mess. Today wasn't a hard day, but there was an emotional upheaval that may or may not have been set off by a feature I just paid attention to on facebook: "On This Day In 2010" which shows one's status update from the year prior. Mine?

One year ago today this is what I had to share with the facebook world. This is what summed up the place I was in my life. 

My authentic Navajo wolf fetish. There will be explaining at some point.

Cue Proustian moment and then a day woven with deep, sometimes painful, but ultimately triumphant self-reflection. The truth is today felt hard for me, like the culmination of so many things decided to distribute all of its weight on my shoulders at once for no particular reason.  I couldn't wait to let out a few tears this afternoon while Addison was with her father (weekly Addy-Daddy time) so I could have space in my heart to focus on marveling over my daughter again.

August 2010

I don't want to feel like life is hard, even though I know it is for so many of us. There are times I pine for another set of hands, a comforting voice, a comrade of sorts and then I snap back into my most common reality and that is a place that is worlds away from where I was a year ago. Last August in particular was the worst time of my life. Ever. One could argue that I have experienced way more horrible events, but my heart-mind-soul was in the worst place it has been (and if I have any power at all in my life, ever will be). I was fifteen weeks pregnant, working in Brooklyn and Staten Island for the month, and my hormones were tantamount to the humidity that plagues New York summers. The reality of being a single mother and being pregnant without a partner was my worst nightmare (yes, there are more horrible things that could happen to a person, but for me, this was hands down the one thing other than being attacked by cockroaches or ventriloquist dummies I feared the most). The feelings of sadness, shame and loneliness I had (real or imagined) make me shudder to consider. 

15 week sonogram

Now, I don't like to rush life, so I never said to myself, 'I can't wait until next year so I can look back at this time and laugh'. Honestly, I'm not laughing and I may never...but, I am FAR from that place of sadness. Even on hard days, I may not be filled to the brim with happiness, but I am thankful, and I am joyful, and I am simultaneously proud, amazed, and floored by all that has come from a year. 

I would like to believe I am much more successful at facing adversity, far wiser, a lot less alone (I am pretty much never alone), back to a truer version of myself and ever so much more grateful that last year is over. 

8/10/11 @ Children's Museum.  Photo by Unique.

Thank you facebook for an unwarranted albeit profound trip through a year of emotions and growth.

Mamahood:Through the Looking Glass

For me, the early days of motherhood felt a lot like I was little Alice Lindell waking up in a magical world full of oddities, games of logic, and self-discovery. Well, first it was like the falling through the tunnel with little end in sight. The newborn phase was overwhelming because it was the most uncharted and elusive aspect of motherhood. There was no way to really judge what was to come. However, the hardest part was looking at myself in the mirror. So much of the experience has been about rediscovering who I am now that I am 1+1, but also adapting to myself as a mother who is still the Jenn I was before-- which means the person with the same idiosyncrasies and issues.

I ask this question of myself and Addison all of the time.
(source)

Now, I have often used this quote as my own mantra in life, but it is the most fitting MOMtra I can think of: "It is very simple," she thought. "You get up, you go, you do, you see, you put one foot in front of the other and along the way you do your very best to enjoy it." (I have always attributed this to Carroll's text but I believe I have been misled--If anyone knows where this is originally from PLEASE let me know.)

This quote exemplifies how I live in the day-to-day, even when my best seems less than the standard I set for myself. If it's what I've got in that twenty-four hours, I eke it out. Robotic? Sometimes. 


Really this is just to say that no matter what happens in life, every day is a new start and needs to be lived the best way you can--for the moment. For each new start, I, like Alice, come equipped with my manners, my smile, and the curious nature that translates into the never-ending quest to learn and improve. 

While perusing lines from "...Through the Looking Glass" I found the MOST fitting for the way I felt after the initial hormones and exhaustion of new mamahood wore off and I looked inside a bit: